Paperwork: The Nightmare of every Kage
by Kageka
Summary: In which Senju Tsunade takes up the office after the Yondaime's death and makes the creepy little Uchiha Heir her assistant. Uchiha Itachi dealt with the job as he did with everything; a little too well. Damn, where on earth did he put her secret stash of sake and how the hell did he manage to find so much paperwork?


"Tsunade-sama." Tsunade glared at the owner of that dreaded monotonous voice. Her grip around her sake bottle tightened protectively.

"What is it this time? I just got through all that hellish paperwork from the chūnin exams you were trying to drown me in!" Unfazed by her death glare, her sadistic secretary sat himself down on the seat beside her at the bar counter.

"Tsunade-sama, it has come to my attention that you have recently won a lottery." Damn, that little weasel. How did he know everything?

"So?"

"I propose that we tighten the village security. I have already finished drafting all necessary measures and have taken care of everything that needs to be done. The papers are already on your desk and all you need to do is sign-" Tsunade growled, gulped down the cup of sake and poured more. Tsunade didn't care if he was Uchiha Itachi, unofficial minder of the Godaime Hokage and youngest ANBU captain and Head of ANBU in the history of Konoha, he was _not_ destroying her rare day off.

"Shut up, weasel! No more paperwork! If you want to drive me insane, at least have the decency to use your Mangekyō Sharingan. But _no_. Instead, you're trying to do it with _paperwork_." How did he manage to do that anyway? She had only found out five hours ago and he had already prepared security measures!

"I would never attempt such a thing, Tsunade-sama. You are my Hokage and mentor. I only wish the Hokage and Konoha the best." Tsunade waved him off and slammed a bottle of sake in front of Itachi.

"Pft. If you really want the best for your Hokage then take that giant stick out of your pompous ass and drink! A little sake should do you some good." Itachi merely stared at Tsunade impassively, his voice perfectly calm and refined as compared to Tsunade's drunken slur.

"I'm afraid I must abstain. Konoha is in dangerous times and should the village be invaded or some similar disasters occur, I must be ready to defend the village to the best of my abilities. My iryōninjutsu is not quite on par with Tsunade-sama's and I am unable to metabolize the alcohol as fast."

"What do you mean by 'dangerous times'? It's just a stupid lottery and it wasn't even the grand prize. A cup or two won't hurt. Besides, you have been training under me for five years! 'Not quite on par' my ass! You went from cute little baby chūnin to socially stunted kin butcher in less and I'll eat my hat if you haven't invented a few original iryōninjutsu." To be fair, the 'kin butcher' comment was a low blow but Itachi showed no reaction.

"Tsunade-sama, it is a well-known fact that your definition of 'a cup or two' is enough for most men to die of acute alcohol poisoning. While my iryōninjutsu is respectable, it would take me around five seconds to fully metabolize that amount of alcohol. On the battlefield, five seconds is a lifetime and it would be a waste of chakra. Furthermore, it is barely past noon. Should a disaster not occur, I still do not wish to be inebriated."

"Humph. If you aren't going to entertain me, then don't disturb my precious downtime." Itachi got up.

"Of course, Tsunade-sama. Please do not stay up too late as you are required in the office tomorrow as usual. More importantly, please do not make any bets that may be detrimental to the health and wellbeing of Konoha and its citizens." Tsunade rolled her eyes.

"Yes, yes. Now, go and stalk your little brother or something." Itachi bowed and quickly exited the bar.

Just to spite the brat, Senju Tsunade stayed in the bar till the wee hours of the morning and in her drunken stupor, she bet that the upcoming chūnin exams would end in an invasion.

* * *

When Mitarashi Anko reported that _Orochimaru_ had infiltrated Konoha, Uchiha Itachi just had to be in her office.

In his silent but meaningful way, his first reaction was to produce a pile of papers from _somewhere_ and place them on her desk the moment Anko completed her report. In one glance, Tsunade recognized the extra security measures paperwork she knew she'd thrown out of the window. It was practically the Itachi version of I-told-you-so-and-now-you-will-face-the-consequences-while-I-laugh-sadistically-at-your-suffering because Tsunade swore that the paperwork stack was at least three times as high as the one Itachi had presented to her before.

"Tsunade-sama, please sign these papers for the extra security measures." This time, he did not bother talking her through all reasons why she should do so because, despite his polite and calm voice, Tsunade could tell that Uchiha Itachi was _furious_ and this was in no way a request. No one harmed a hair on Uchiha Sasuke's head without his guardian angel from the depths of hell descending upon them. Sighing, Tsunade picked up her pen.

"You may go, Anko." Itachi spoke up before she had the chance to turn around.

"Tsunade-sama, we should warn our ninja for a potential invasion." How did he know that too?

" _It's_ _just a bet."_ Itachi raised an eyebrow in a that's-what-you-said-the-last-time-and-look-how-it-turned-out.

"Fine. Anko, notify all jōnin and tokubetsu jōnin of a possible invasion."

"Yes, Tsunade-sama."

"Tsunade-sama?" Tsunade growled.

"What is it this time, brat?"

"I did not expect Orochimaru to breach security so some extra security measures would need to be added to those on your desk." Tsunade groaned. Itachi looked utterly unsympathetic towards her plight.

Anko just snickered.

* * *

When the Kazekage turned out to be Orochimaru, Tsunade wasn't too surprised. Itachi apparently had contingency plans like adding a sensor in the ANBU team guarding her and including himself in that team. It was all somewhere in the fine print because there was no way she would have approved that on her pride as a Sannin and Hokage (Hokages, as a rule, hated their security details). Never mind that he was permanently banned from the ANBU and Sarutobi-sensei would have her head if she allowed him to touch another ANBU mask. Sometimes, Tsunade felt as if one of Itachi's main motivations for accepting the dull, taxing and underpaid job of assistant to the Hokage was to make her life miserable.

"Sly little weasel." Itachi stepped into the office.

"Tsunade-sama?" Definitely one of his motives, judging by the feigned ignorance.

"You get a kick out of this." Itachi plunked the pile of paperwork onto her desk and took away a smaller pile.

"Of course not, Tsunade-sama. Paperwork is-"

"Yes, yes, yes, I get it. I'm the Hokage dammit. I'm not sitting through another lecture about the importance of paperwork." Now that his face was actually visible and not behind a stack of papers, Tsunade caught the slight twitch of the brat's mouth. Her brain, now fluent in the Itachi-dialect of the Uchiha-ese, unhelpfully translated that as rolling-on-the-floor-while-laughing-hysterically.

"Quit laughing at me."

"I have not spoken a word, Tsunade-sama. Would you like a glass of green tea?" Did the brat just imply that she was having hearing problems?

"Humph. You won't be laughing if you were faced with _this_." Tsunade waved her hand over the stacks of paperwork.

"I haven't hit twenty yet, Tsunade-sama. I still have a ways to go before achieving the level of Hokage." Was he now calling her _old_? Itachi bowed as best as he could with the stack of paper because he's just an overly formal brat.

"If that is all, then please allow me to excuse myself. There is much work to be done." Itachi wisely made a swift exit before Tsunade could throw her desk at him, leaving her wondering whether he had intended those insults. Genius or not, the kid was always way too socially obtuse.

Sighing, Tsunade stared mournfully at the cramped desk. There were times like this where Tsunade cursed her predecessors. The Shodaime for making the Hokage position so paperwork heavy, the Nidaime for isolating the Uchiha and indirectly causing Itachi to execute his clan, the Sandaime for forcing Itachi onto her and the Yondaime for daring to die so young and leaving the job to her. Maybe she should do what the Sandaime had done and bow out the moment a promising and willing candidate appeared…

 _Oh._

When Uchiha Itachi appeared at her doorway again, Tsunade smirked at him.

"Little weasel, how do you feel about becoming the youngest kage in history?"


End file.
